The Shock of the Next Week...

 The morning of Saturday April 1, 2023 it was time to leave the hospital. We tried to donate our brand new pink car seat to the hospital, but they refused to take it...meaning I had to walk out of the hospital holding an empty car seat. I told the nurse escorting me that someone was going to mention the empty car seat. She ensured me that wouldn't happen. As we stood by the exit doors waiting for Devin to bring the truck around, an old lady in a wheelchair came up behind, peered into the car seat and asked, "Where's the baby?" I saw the look on my nurse's face and it seemed like she wanted to punch the old lady. I replied, "She didn't make it" and then walked out. 

Driving the 5 hours home was awful. Devin sobbed and I just stared out the window filled with anger. I was so mad! I knew anger was part of the grieving process, but I didn't know that it would come so soon and come in that hard. I was mad at God. The thoughts going through my head were screaming, "You don't take a baby from a mother!" "What did I ever do to you?" "HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY BABY FROM ME!!!" "I thought you could heal people!" They just continued to build until Devin finally asked me what was going through my head. I straight up told him, that when I got to heaven, I was going to walk straight up to God and punch him in the face. I'm telling you; I have never felt so cheated and betrayed in my life. Devin seemed concerned and turned on an old BYU talk from Spencer W Kimball called, Death: Tragedy or Destiny. It was a really long talk, but it explained so much and helped me calm down. I wasn't ready to "be okay" with everything, but it did explain why God doesn't heal everyone. You can find that speech HERE . 

When I got home, I just wanted to hold my girls. Charlotte is such a cuddly toddler; she just sat with me and held me. I don't remember these days too much; everything is clouded and blurry. I remember lots of tears, lying in bed and wishing I was dead. I remember people stopping by and bringing food, gifts, cards, plants, hugs and more tears. The day we had to go to the funeral home and pick out all the details and hand over the outfit she would be buried in was a hard day. Andrew at the funeral home was an amazing man. he helped with everything. 

For those of you who have asked about cost of funerals and burial for an infant: They give you a "half off special" because they are so small. We were offered a free infant plot in a Lutheran section in the cemetery, but Devin and declined and bought 3 plots right next to each other. One for Adalaide, one for me and one for Devin. Those cost $250 a piece. The casket and embalming, funeral arrangements and moving of the body cost just under $4k. The headstone was custom and designed by me. We went with a small blue sparkly one, with one vase and engraving on both sides - this came to just over $8k. We stayed pretty small for flowers for the casket and kept that at $500. So this all comes into a total of about: $24,500 (and remember that's half off special). 

We had lots of family coming for the funeral, so I needed to clean out the nursery. This was a heart-wrenching task. This was the first time I started having a panic attack in front of people. My mom just held me and cried with me as we slowly packed away each outfit, toy, blanket, bottles, bassinet. We took everything down to my laundry room in the basement in a corner. Almost a year later everything still sits untouched. 

It helped to have family around, I could ask them about their lives and have something to focus on. With all the details of the funeral it gave me something to distract me with. Music, prayers, talks, viewing, food, the list could continue. My church ward was amazing and in every detail. They helped in the planning, cleaning the building, setting up, taking down, hosting my family, cooking all the food and so much more. I couldn't have done it without them. I put my talents to work and did a slideshow (you can find it here: CLICK HERE ), I wrote the obituary and also designed the programs. Devin worked on a talk that he gave during the funeral.

Parts of the funeral that stand out the most was when we saw Adalaide in her casket, she looked so different. She was beautiful but empty. She was cold and frozen and just didn't look like her. Lillian stayed by her casket and touched her hand and even kissed her cheek. There were so many people who came to the viewing and funeral. The hardest part of the day was at the cemetery. Kamille didn't realize that her baby sister was going to be buried. After everything was done, Devin passed the casket to Andrew (who was inside the grave at this point). Kamille started to scream, "NOOOO. Don't put her in there!!! I didn't even get to hold her!" I held her back and just sobbed.  

We made it through the luncheon and came back to my home filled with family and friends. It was a very warm day compared to most in March and the snow started melting very quickly. My oldest brother went down to the basement to change to find an inch of water was in the laundry room coming through the egress window. Everyone jumped into action. We had an army of family redirecting the water flow in our backyard and more downstairs wringing out towels and moving all our things out of the water. Luckily none of Adalaide's things were ruined. I just sat upstairs in my chair, grateful for having so many people helping.

That next day we put people into cars and planes and said goodbye... and then it was so quiet. I never once felt alone because my ward and community stopped by with meals and cleaned my house often. They texted and called and I got so many encouraging remarks through social media. We were welcomed into the "We lost a child club". I never knew how big this club was, no one ever wants to be there but it helps you realize that if others could make it through these times, maybe you could too. 

These few day after the funeral were my some of my lowest. I remember falling asleep one night and asking God to just take me away and not let me wake up. I knew I had my other 4 girls to take care of, a husband that loved me, a great job to return to, people surrounded me with love... but I just didn't want to be here anymore. I learned later that I was passively suicidal. I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to live anymore. I heard the phrases "you will see her again" "she is with God now" "you know the plan" All of this is true, yes, but in those moments, those comments do not help. The best thing people could say was, "I don't know how you feel" "I don't know what to say" "I am so sorry this is happening to you" or if they just let you be sad. 

When I finally got back to work, I actually had a contractor say, "At least it was just a baby, it's not like you really knew her." Those words cut me like a knife. I loved her so much and held her in my arms as she died! I don't think this man wanted to hurt me, but when you are feeling so much grief, it's important to think about things before you say them. 

How people helped me the most:

Freezer meals! I had so much food brought to me every night for 3 weeks and beyond, but I couldn't go through it all. I appreciated freezer meals so I could go through left overs and have meals that could last me months.

Grief groceries are a real thing. When you are grieving and healing through trauma, it would be nice to have things like milk, cereal, butter, yogurt etc. I couldn't really make it to the store and I didn't want to ask someone to go shopping for me. 

GoFundMe and VENMO was such a help. I was so scared and worrying about medical bills or funeral bills etc. When I saw how much people donated and sacrificed their money to help us, it brought me to tears! 

Communication: If you are bringing a meal, send a text to let them know when you are coming, maybe ask them if they are craving anything or had "too" much of something... or even if their kids had dislikes. I also thought it was so cool when the night before a good friend said, I'm bringing breakfast for your whole family the day of the funeral. She brought over cinnamon rolls and orange juice! The family loved it and I honestly would have never thought about doing something like that. 

Offer up your talents: We had people offer up help in playing piano, musical numbers, doing hair, setting up, cooking etc Also just using your phone and taking photos. I was too busy with my own kids and all the other details, I loved that Devin's aunt and another sister in my ward took a ton of photos, during the viewing, funeral, burial, luncheon. If they wouldn't have done that and sent them to me, I wouldn't have anything. 

A friend in the ward came by and played "Easter Bunny" for the girls. It was a nice little surprise for them and a relief for me. 

My mom had to go through all of this with my sister, Stephanie at 4 months. She told me to write everything down, collect photos and be specific because grief causes you to be in a haze. Everything is cloudy and you will forget all the details and ministering that followed. I listened and made it into a book. It was hard to write about my pregnancy, the hospital, the funeral but now my girls love to grab this book every so often and go through it. I always get my photobooks from snapfish.com and I even made a copy for my mom and Devin's mom.