The Darkest Days of my Life (*trigger warning neonatal death)

 I've had the impression to write down Adalaide's story. Her birth, life and death. I've had the impression to write about how my life has changed. The hard part is that every time I talk, write or think about any part of it, I go into a dark place. I can't breathe, the panic sets in and it takes some time to come back. I will try my best and hopefully not cause any readers to have *triggers from what happened to myself and my family. 

It was just a normal Wednesday for me, 33 weeks 6 days pregnant with #5 baby girl. It was cookie day, so I just finished baking 20 dozen cookies. My back was hurting a little as I fell down our steep stairs the day before. My two older kids got off the bus and I was waiting for my mom to come take over as I had a chiropractor appointment scheduled. I remember rushing to get out the door and Olivia (4 years old) yelled at me, "Mom! A Kiss!" I said, "Honey, I have to run, I'll be right back in about 30 minutes." and ran to the car. {Looking back, this could have been the last thing I had ever said to my kid...that I didn't have time to give her a kiss and say "I love you"}

The chiropractic appointment started perfectly. I love my Dr. as we chatted about the baby and I told her I couldn't have the baby until after April 11th as I didn't get any maternity leave until then. The last thing she did was adjusted my hips and I soon felt a warm sensation, I rotated and then the other side. She asked if I was okay. I said yes and sat up slowly. I sat on the bench for a little bit and she asked me a question. I got really emotional and started crying. I tried to stand and felt really dizzy. I sat back down and felt like I was going to pass out. I laid on my left side and tried calling Devin (no answer). Called my dad and told him I needed to go to the hospital to get checked. My belly tightened really bad. I started screaming in pain and couldn't move, then I started to black out and go into a haze. My Dr. held my belly and had the receptionist call 911. The next parts I don't remember much. I remember two officers there; someone checked my blood pressure and it was very low. I remember people trying to ask me questions but I don't know if I was able to answer. I remember my dad there. I remember them moving me to the ambulance. I remember them trying to put an IV in me and it seemed like it took forever to leave. Then it all went dark... 

The next moment I remember was being in the ER. People were everywhere in chaos. Someone was trying to find a heartbeat of my baby, my clothes were being cut off. They kept poking me trying to find a vein. The next thing I remember was Dr. Newton the OB walked in, yelled for everyone to stop what they were doing and rushed me to the OR. {Later I found out I was passed out in an observation room for 20 minutes, nobody called the OB, she just happened to see the ultrasounds equipment going by and wondered why nobody had paged her, she saved my life in this moment} My dad had gotten a hold of Devin and he was to the hospital by then, watching them wheeling me to the OR. 

In the OR I remember telling Dr. Newton that I was supposed to get a tubal. She was asking for the anesthesiologist. He arrived a little later and they got the spinal in. The next moments happened so fast and yet seemed like they lasted forever. She started cutting quickly and blood hit the walls and ceiling. It was everywhere. She pulled my baby out... no cries. Silence. They worked on cleaning me out. I had a complete uterine rupture with a placental abruption. All I could hear was the counting as they tried to do CPR on my sweet tiny baby. Over and over the counting. Amount of blood I lost was 3.4 liters (and that's what they could measure, not counting everything all over the room and drs). Dr. Newton asked about the tubal, she looked concerned. She told me they had been doing CPR for over 10 min. I told her I needed my husband to make the decision. Devin came in. I prayed so hard every second. "Please bring her back" "Please save my baby!" Devin came close and we decided that he could get a vasectomy later. Then I heard "we got it!" She was revived. I was so relieved. She was going to be okay. She was so strong. They stitched me up and I got to be wheeled close to her. She was struggling to breathe. She held my finger so tight and was beautiful.

The doctors told us that she would be okay. There would probably be some brain damage but they wouldn't know until more tests were done. They told us about a procedure that Fargo could do where they cool the body down and let the brain heal with minimal swelling. They told us that she would be in the NICU for some time. We started all the paperwork for being life flighted to Fargo. Devin had the option to fly with Adalaide, but we needed all the baby stuff to bring her home. The hospital bag, phone chargers, diaper bag, carseat etc. He would go home, sleep, pack and then drive to Fargo {Looking back... ALWAYS go, always fly. He lost so many precious hours with our little one}. 

I went first. Those planes are so small. I had one blood transfusion in Watford, but I honestly needed more. I got to Fargo and Adalaide was still in Watford. I waited and waited. After midnight she got there and they let me go down in a wheelchair to see my perfect girl. She was hooked up to 1000 wires. She would do this jerking breathing movement every once in a while. They told me they would do a test tomorrow to see the damage and we would go from there. I kissed her goodnight and went back upstairs. 

In the morning I got a phone call from Devin. He was crying on the other end, "Kaylynn, she is brain dead and isn't going to make it!" I assured him that I just saw her a few hours before and she was a fighter. They had to run a few tests and were going to let me know. I waited and waited...

Then, a knock at the door. Three doctors came in. One said, "I'm so sorry. The tests came back that she doesn't have enough brain activity. We can do one more test, but we are pretty sure that the damage is too severe. We also refused to do the brain cooling as she isn't 35 weeks. Where's your husband?" 

"...um he's not here yet, he's driving..."

"Oh, ummm yeah you probably shouldn't tell him, we don't want to cause an accident. Do you have any questions for us?"

"...um no..." {In my head I was so mad, I'm so alone. You don't know my God and the miracles he can work! My girl will NOT DIE!" I have the faith! I believe in miracles of healing, prayer, fasting and the temple! I don't deserve this!} 

Then the room was empty. I called Devin right away and he was still 3 hours away. I gave him the awful news. Next was my mom. This phone call was one of the hardest to make. My mom lost my older sister at 4 months before I was born. I will never forget that phone call. I went down to see Adalaide again and they told me I could hold her with all the wires. I prayed so hard. I sent out a cry for help, and so many people responded. Prayers, fasting, prayer rolls and so much more came through. 

Devin arrived and he stayed next to Adalaide the rest of the time. We decided to have our girls and both sets of grandparents come in the next day to meet her. Then do the last MRI test, hope for a miracle and go from there. I don't remember the name of the nurse that was with me that second night but I remember Devin was downstairs and I was upstairs getting a blood transfusion. She came in to say that she was going off shift and she sat down and held me and cried with me. She told me she was so sorry. I will always remember her kindness. 

The next morning, the hospital let everyone into the NICU due to the circumstance. They had workers assigned to the girls to help answer questions and help entertain them. 

I had my parents take the girls home and Devin's parents stayed in Fargo. At noon they did the MRI and the same news came back to us. No sustaining brain activity. Devin sobbed and I just was empty, in shock, and I felt like I was in some sort of out of body experience. We made the decision to pull her off life support and let her go back to the arms of our Heavenly Father. The hospital staff was amazing with this awful transition. We took off all the sensors and cleaned her all up. We took as many pictures as we could and held her close. Next we asked for morphine, so she wouldn't be in pain. We asked that everyone leave and then they removed the ventilator and I held her close. I didn't know the color would change so fast. Devin and I held out tiny perfect baby girl until her heart stopped. I've never watched anyone die before and this was awful. We spent the next hour cleaner her up and getting molds made of her hands, feet and even face. Before she had passed they recorded her heartbeat and put it into a teddy bear. They let us walk her down to the mortician when she arrived and hand her off.  

That night we stayed in my room. They put a queen size hospital bed in and just let us hold each other and sob. 

This is just part one... I'll try to write down more parts of navigating grief, how others helped (or things that really didn't help), how these experiences have helped me with my relationship with Christ, and how important finding a good therapist is. 

I want people to know how to help others through this, I've even thought about writing about the financial side of things: how much a funeral cost, life insurance issues, etc. I've thought about starting a non-profit in Adalaide's name to help others through times like these.